Happiness - EPL

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

Self-Respect & Loving Yourself

Self-respect and loving yourself and others ~ by Toni Morrison

"You think because he doesn't love you that you are worthless. You think that because he doesn't want you anymore that he is right -- that his judgement and opinion of you are correct. If he throws you out, then you are garbage. You think he belongs to you because you want to belong to him.

Don't. It's a bad word, 'belong.' Especially when you put it with somebody you love. Love shouldn't be like that. Did you ever see the way the clouds love a mountain? They circle all around it; sometimes you can't even see the mountain for the clouds.

But you know what? You go up top and what do you see? His head. The clouds never cover the head. His head pokes through, beacuse the clouds let him; they don't wrap him up. They let him keep his head up high, free, with nothing to hide him or bind him. You can't own a human being. You can't lose what you don't own.

Suppose you did own him. Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you? You really want somebody like that? Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door? You don't, do you? And neither does he. You're turning over your whole life to him. Your whole life, girl. And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him? He can't value you more than you value yourself."

Reason, Season, Lifetime ~ by Aleksandra Lachut

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. 

When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.. 

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. 

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, 

To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. 

They may seem like a godsend and they are. 

They are there for the reason you need them to be. 

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, 

This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. 

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. 

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. 

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. 

The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on. 

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. 

They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. 

They may teach you something you have never done. 

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. 

Believe it, it is real. But only for a season. 

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, 

Things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. 

Your job is to accept the lesson, 

Love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. 

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. 

Thank you for being a part of my life, 

................. whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Men Are More Intelligent Than Women?

And so the study claims........

Ha ! Can you believe that?
eehhmmmmm.......... read on my friends, and you be the judge.

Battle of the sexes: Are men more intelligent than women?

It is research that is guaranteed to delight men - and infuriate the women in their lives. A controversial new study has claimed that men really are more intelligent than women.

The study - carried out by a man - concluded that men's IQs are almost four points higher than women's.

British-born researcher John Philippe Rushton, who previously created a furore by suggesting intelligence is influenced by race, says the finding could explain why so few women make it to the top in the workplace.

He claims the 'glass ceiling' phenomenon is probably due to inferior intelligence, rather than discrimination or lack of opportunity.

The University of Western Ontario psychologist reached his conclusion after scrutinising the results of university aptitude tests taken by 100,000 students aged 17 and 18 of both sexes.

A focus on a factors such as the ability to quickly grasp a complex concept, verbal reasoning skills and creativity - some of they key ingredients of intelligence - revealed the male teenagers had IQs that were an average of 3.63 points higher. The average person has an IQ of around 100.

The findings, which held true for all classes and levels of parental education, overturn a 100 year consensus that men and women average the same in general mental ability. They also conflict with evidence that girls do better in school exams than boys.

But Prof Rushton, who was born in Bournemouth and obtained his doctorate in social psychology from the London School of Economics, argues that the faster maturing of girls leads to them outshining boys in the classroom.

And since almost all previous data showing an absence of difference between the sexes was gathered on schoolchildren, the gender difference could easily have been missed.

'It looks like up until late adolescence, the females have the advantage over males because they mature faster, which masks the underlying difference, he said.

Although experts have accepted that men and women differ mentally, with males averaging higher on tests of 'spatial ability' and females higher on verbal tests, it was assumed the differences averaged out, leaving no difference in overall intelligence.

Prof Rushton believes the differences are directly linked to brain size, with other studies showing men having slightly bigger brains than women.

'We know that men have larger brains, even when you take into account larger body size,' said the researcher. 'That means there are more neurons. The question is what these neurons are doing in a man - and they probably have an advantage in processing information.'

It is thought the difference may date back to the Stone Age, with women seeking out men who are more intelligent than them in a bid to pass on the best genes to their children.

'Some people have suggested it evolved because women prefer men who are more intelligent than they are for husbands,' said the professor.

'Just as they prefer men who are taller than them, they also prefer a male who is a little ahead of them in IQ.'

Critics claim Prof Rushton's results could have been skewed by the inclusion of more test results from females than form males.

Prof Rushton, who four years ago triggered a scientific row by claiming intelligence and behaviour are influenced by race, with blacks being more likely to be involved in crime and Asians having a greater chance of high IQs, however, stands by his results.

'These are unpopular conclusions,' he said. 'People should not be made to feel afraid to study controversial issues.

'We have the right to find the truth. One should really look at the facts.'

His work appears to confirm British research which showed men have bigger brains and higher IQs than women, which may explain why chess grandmasters and geniuses are more likely to be male.

The analyses of more than 20,000 verbal reasoning tests taken by university students from around the world revealed that women's IQs are up to five points lower than men's .

Women needn't feel despondent, however, as the scientists believe women can achieve just as much as men - as long as they work harder.

By BEN CLERKIN & FIONA MACRAE
Article courtesy of www.ivillage.com

Is It That Easy To Say "It's Over"?

This is the full article written by Zainah Anwar of NST, on Friday, 6th October 2006.
I'm sharing this article because I think it is a good eye opener for married Malay couples. Sometimes, though the truth hurts, it will at least snap us out of our hipocracies and thrown into what is real.

As much as we hope more Malay marriages would last based on the values that we were brought up in, and the religion that we stand by on, the truth is, many misinterpret what is wrong to their advantage and interpret the right to their own detriment.

Maybe Malay wives, who tend to be more conservative and sikap "tak mahu melawan suami sebab dosa" attitude, and Malay men who grow horns the moment they become husbands, make it more difficult for any Malay couples to withstand the waves of marriage.

I am not saying that Malay wives must "melawan" when there's a miscommunication, but Malay wives must learn to nip it in the butt and put her stance across (from the start). Then, again, this is just my views and sometimes, what I feel and believe in may not make sense to you.

Let's take a moment and read the article written by Zainah Anwar, and maybe, just maybe, you would understand where I'm coming from. And see the importance of learning to relearn, so that marriages can withstand the test of time; because marriages like organisations, are built to last.

"HE wished her ‘Happy Birthday’, then he pronounced ‘I divorce you’! Can you imagine such cruelty, such heartlessness," said a friend whose 34-year-old daughter was unilaterally divorced last month by her husband of eight years.

She called me after reading the New Straits Times story (Sept 30) that revealed the disproportionately high divorce rate among Muslims (15,000) compared with Chinese and Indians (3,000).

A Muslim man’s unilateral right to divorce his wife at will is one of the causes of the higher rate of divorce among Muslims. The ease and impunity with which men pronounce divorce led the religious authorities to put a stop to this practice in the 1984 model Islamic Family Law adopted by the states in Malaysia. Malaysia was then one of the first Muslim countries to provide for divorce to take place only in court. This was in accordance with the Quranic teachings urging husbands and wives "to live together on equitable terms or to separate in kindness".

But in 1994, because of objections from certain quarters, the law was amended to allow the registration of divorces outside the courts, thus defeating the original intent and spirit of the 1984 law reform. Now, one only has to pay a minimal fine for breaking the law by pronouncing talaq (repudiation) without the court’s permission, and the divorce will be validated. Thus, this loophole in the law has led once again to the proliferation of such divorces. So, the stories of irresponsible men pronouncing divorce at will and in all manner abound again.

Many years ago, a friend’s husband wished her "Happy New Year" as the clock struck 12 and pronounced "I divorce you" in the next breath. Another friend did not even know she was divorced until she received her divorce certificate in the mail from the Syariah Court.

Then, there is the recent phenomenon of SMS divorce which the courts, in all their wisdom, have recognised as a valid pronouncement of divorce. At the Sisters in Islam legal clinic, we get emails and letters from perplexed women over the issue of ta’liq sepah, where their husbands pronounce conditional divorce for whatever reason they fancy.

These unregulated conditions include: The wife stepping out of the house, going to work, going on a business trip, picking up the phone when it rings, visiting friends or parents, speaking to a cousin he so dislikes, voting for an infidel political party, and so on. The women felt that these conditions were unfair and untenable, so they picked up the phone when it rang, spoke to whoever they wanted, visited friends and parents, and in one case, the husband drove her to work even though he said jatuh talaq if she went to work that day.

"What is my status, now? Am I divorced or not? But he is still having sex with me! Am I still his wife?" Women’s groups have long raised the multitudes of problems and the devastating emotional pain a woman goes through when her marriage is terminated without her being consulted or given any power or opportunity to prevent it or negotiate the terms. The calls for reform have included a return to the 1984 provision of divorce only in courts to increasing the fine and prison sentence as a deterrent against irresponsible husbands.

While some countries have made divorce more difficult in order to arrest rising divorce rates, others have put resources into marital research and education to deal with domestic instability and unhappiness before the marriage deteriorates or even before it starts. This is one area that the Malaysian government should seriously look into.

In the United States, government-funded research over 30 years has enabled experts to predict with almost 90 per cent accuracy which couples would end up in divorce. The use of video cameras to record every facial expression, gesture and change of tone has enabled John Gottman, regarded as the guru in the field, to identify four key behavioural traits that are the strongest divorce predictors — contempt (indicated by eye-rolling when the other partner is speaking), criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling. From this research, he came out with seven top suggestions to keep a marriage strong.

The most striking I felt was his demand that we set high standards in a marriage. The most successful couples, he says, are those who, even as newlyweds, refuse to accept hurtful behaviour from one another. The lower the level of tolerance for bad behaviour in the beginning of a relationship, the happier the couple is down the road. Another important tip Gottman gave is the ability to accept influence. A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife. This, he says, is crucial because research shows women are already well-practised at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband can do so as well.

And yet in a kursus perkahwinan (the pre-marital course made mandatory for all Muslim couples) I went through, one of the listed characteristics of a good husband, who is the leader of the household, is a man who does not listen to his wife!

While Gottman’s model focuses on behaviour, other researchers developed written surveys on couples’ attitudes, backgrounds and behaviour styles. One popular questionnaire taken by millions is called PREPARE which asks couples before they get married to answer 165 statements on a scale of one to five on a range of issues, including handling money, family roles, raising children, work and leisure, spiritual and religious beliefs, sex and affection, communication, conflict resolution, assertiveness and self-confidence. Developed by social scientist David Olsen and his team at the University of Minnesota, this survey also claims 80-85 per cent accuracy on who would be happily married and who would divorce within three years.

Olsen said he found couples who stayed happily married scored higher in such categories as realistic expectations, communication, conflict resolution and compatibility. The most common incompatibilities are communication, conflict resolution and money. Thousands of churches and synagogues in the US and even county governments now adopt PREPARE or similar pre-marital inventory tests and post-counselling sessions before performing a marriage ceremony.

For over 10 years, the Islamic religious authorities here have introduced the mandatory kursus perkahwinan and churches too have introduced pre-marital counselling sessions. The objective is well meaning as the emotional, health, social and economic costs of marital conflict and divorce to families and the state is destructive. This should give good reason for the government to seriously evaluate the effectiveness of these courses and invest in research-based marriage education.

In a kursus perkahwinan attended by my niece, not one, not two, but three ustaz within a span of eight hours told the young would-be grooms how they could break the law and take a second wife by crossing the border into Thailand. One even passed his handphone number should the men need his help. Two male friends attended courses recently where the ustazah taught them how to beat their wives the Islamic way. Take a towel, tie a knot at one end and beat her all over, except her face. If she is pregnant, you can beat her anywhere but her stomach! Now, such advice cannot be the skills one should learn in a pre-marital course if the intent is to assist young couples in developing friendship, partnership and constructive conflict resolution skills in an intimate relationship where conflict is inevitable.

How to Plan for a Romantic Dinner at Home for Your Spouse

Wow......... it's been a while since we last posted here. So, let's not waste too much time on me blabbering.......... Let's get to the meat of this entry.


When was the last time you had a romantic dinner with your spouse?

You don't have to have a special occasion to host a romantic dinner for your spouse.

Set aside the excuse you can't cook.

If you are culinary-challenged, you can still plan a romantic dinner at home for the two of you by either choosing simple recipes to follow or by purchasing some of the meal courses from a restaurant or store.

Here's How:

• Set the stage of your romantic dinner by making sure the two of you will be alone. If you have children, arrange for babysitting at someone else's home.

• Plan your romantic dinner on an evening of a week that you are sure your spouse won't have other time commitments already scheduled.

• Do you want the romantic dinner to be a surprise or not? If it is a surprise, light candles in the entrance of your home to surprise your spouse.
• If the dinner won't be a surprise, consider giving your spouse an invitation that you write yourself.
• Send the invitation by mail, leave it on your mate's pillow, send it with a bouquet of flowers, leave it on the dash of your spouse's car, etc.
• Your invitation needs to be specific as to when the romantic dinner is planned. Be creative!

• Set the table with a tablecloth, cloth napkins, nice dinnerware, crystal, unscented candles, and flowers. The napkins can be rolled or folded in a pretty way.
• Sprinkle the table with rose petals or sparkly heart shaped sprinkles. You can set floating candles in small glasses filled partly with cranberry juice.

• Decide on your romantic dinner menu.
• Keep it simple, but don't forget the appetizers. Plan on serving foods that your spouse likes. This isn't a time to experiment with a new recipe.

• If you are going to order your part of your romantic dinner from a restaurant or other source, make sure you have time to transfer the menu items to attractive bowls and platters.

• Choose the music you want to listen to ahead of time, and have soft romantic music playing in the background.

• Create dimmed lighting for the room where you will be dining. Small, white Christmas light strings can have the desired look. So can a fire in a fireplace.

• Turn off the television, computers, and other distractions.

• Sample Menus:
  • Romantic Dinner Menu -- Chinese
    
  • Romantic Dinner Menu -- French
    
  • Romantic Dinner Menu -- Greek
    
  • Romantic Dinner Menu -- Italian
    
  • Romantic Dinner Menu -- Mexican
    
  • Romantic Dinner Menu -- Simple

• Enjoy!

Tips:

1. Get dressed up.
2. Have a plan on what you will do after dinner. You could take a moonlit walk together, watch a romantic movie, or dance to romantic music.

What You Need:

• A Plan
• A Menu
• Determination
• Candles
• Mood Music
• Romantic Movie
• Flowers
• Nice linen for the table, good tableware, crystal glasses
• Creative Thinking

Article courtesy of www.marriage.about.com

Inspiration Words on Marriage

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times,
always with the same person.
- Mignon McLaughlin -

Note :
Image courtesy of http://www.imgag.com

Decoding the Secrets of Body Language

"It is impossible for human beings not to communicate their innermost thoughts. In many cases body language, eye contact, and sexual gestures are more effective than verbal communication. Learning to interpret body language can help you discern what people are really saying".

Body language reveals many of our most intimate feelings, whether we intend to confide them or not. From simple eye contact to a light touch on the leg, body gestures are a very direct form of communication. In a romantic relationship, reading the cues correctly is critical.

The Eyes Have It

Eye contact is the most common initial sexual advance. Eyes can reveal sparked interest, fantasy, or disinterest. We inititate eye contact every day, in places as disparate as the subway, the office, the supermarket, and the bedroom.

Making eye contact is a simple, universal way to show someone that you are interested in them sexually—by making eye contact you make it easier for him or her to respond to you. When speaking in person, look at him or her directly, not over a shoulder or down at the floor. To show your interest across a room, hold your glance longer than you would in an ordinary social situation. Don't overdo it, though. Most people find anything more than intermittent eye contact (five seconds out of every 30) uncomfortable or threatening and will probably look away. You can assume some mutual interest if he or she returns your gaze steadily.

When your glance is recognized and welcomed, the recipient may move in a way that "opens up" the body, giving you more to look at. Perhaps he will stand sideways and push up his sleeves or lean back against the wall with his torso slightly pushed forward. Or she might place her hands in in the back pockets of her jeans, or playfully push her hair back off her forehead.

Other encouraging responses include raised eyebrows, eyes that are wide open, or fluttering of the eyelashes. If you are looking at each other for longer and longer periods and moving closer in toward each other, that is a definite mating call. You can test this by moving slightly closer and noting whether the person moves closer in or draws further way.

If your initial contact is not welcome, the person you are looking at may try to shield themselves from your view or try to create a barrier between you. Hence, if the object of your attention suddenly disappears into the crowd or abruptly crosses her arms or legs, she is saying "you're going too fast for me", or "I'm not interested right now."

Photo 1 - "The Gaze" courtesy of : www.ivillage.com

Facial Expressions and Gestures

To send out a signal that you are interested in getting to know someone better, smile! Smiling sends the message that you find someone attractive and would like to initiate further conversation. Hand and head movements are also ways of encouraging people as you become interested in them. Turning your head and stepping in towards him sends the message that you'd like to get closer. Gesturing her to sit down next to you or moving over to create some standing room indicates a willingness to pursue conversation. However, make sure you stand or sit a proper distance away—moving in too close too soon encroaches on personal boundaries and raises issues of proprietary space.

Finally, learning to use touch can step up the pace of any relationship. To offer positive encouragement during the early stages of a relationship, try touching her arm or hand while engaged in conversation. When coming up behind, put your hand on his shoulder in greeting. But keep it subtle. Don't overstep the line between showing interest and being overly pushy. Remember, too, that skin-to-skin contact—touching a bare wrist, for example--is always more intimate than skin-to-clothing contact.

Photo 2 - "Hands" courtesy of : http://www.indiatimes.com

It Makes Sense

Along with body language, our five senses also play a role in physical attraction and intimacy. From initial visual contact to watching a partner undress, sight is an important sexual stimulus. Hearing soft music or the special intonations of your partner's voice can serve as a caress or foreplay to sex itself.

Touching and holding can foster exquisite closeness and intimacy on their own. The taste of good food and wine can put lovers in the mood by making them feel good and lowering their inhibitions. There is a definite correlation between eating and deriving emotional nourishment from your partner. The "smell" of your lover's body mingled with perfume or other scent can act as a powerful stimulant. Is there any question, then, as to the aphrodiasiac quality of a romantic dinner accompanied by soft music and followed by an evening of dancing cheek-to-cheek?

Photo 3 - "Dancing Cheek-to-Cheek" courtesy of : http://www.lifeskillsintl.org

Fast Forward to Intimacy

Let's assume that the above encounters have led to a relationship culminating in physical intimacy. Remember that body language doesn't end in the courting stage of a new relationship. You can learn a great deal about your partner's feelings and moods by paying attention to his or her body language before, during, and after sex.

Even though a partner may eagerly get into bed with you, he may be uncomfortable about having sex. Telltale signs include legs or arms that are drawn close in to the body, limited eye contact, and the presence of a physical barrier, such as a book, a pulled-up blanket, or a TV remote. If your partner is sitting on the edge of the bed, slightly frowning, or has arms pressed closely to his or her side, you can surmise that he is nervous. A relaxing, sensual massage will probably diminish his nervousness to the point that his arousal overtakes the discomfort.

You may also find that upon getting into bed, you partner turns her back on you and draws her knees up into a fetal position. This indicates inhibition and a performance anxiety. One excellent remedy for this is a warm, nonthreatening cuddle. Match your breathing to hers, and then slowly make each breath longer and more relaxed. Hopefully your partner will copy this breathing and spontaneously begin to relax.

Because many people find it hard to converse verbally, body language can help them communicate. As you learn to interpret the various nuances of body language, you can learn to understand what people are really "saying".

Photo 4 - "The Couple" courtesy of : http:artsindia.com



Written by Jill m. Shuman.
Article courtesy of www.beliefnet.com

Rrsources from the Social Issues Research Centre (SIRC)
http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html